You’ve experienced the scene before: All is quiet and calm. The children are playing outside. Maybe you are even focused on something you’ve wanted to do for a while. And the next thing you know, the door slams open, and everyone comes in, teeming with frustration.

At first, you may try to piece together the details: a game, something stolen, someone who felt excluded, others defending their territory. Removed from the situation, you can probably see the dynamics at play: someone felt left out and wanted to belong but didn't know how to ask, so they do something that gets them some negative attention.

Frustration often reflects a need for connection. Montessori helps children understand emotions and respond constructively.

Feeling Disconnected 

Our children cannot always use the most constructive ways to tell us what they need. Rather than say, "I feel disconnected, and I need some extra love and attention," they are more likely to hit or throw tantrums or, as they get older, say or do mean things to get us to notice. In our imaginary scene, a child who wanted to belong decided to take something to get the other children to pay attention.

In situations like this, other children typically don’t respond well. They get defensive and usually respond with a fair amount of their feelings of fury. When children retaliate, they aren’t thinking about any consequences of their actions, much less about another child's motivations. Even if we try to listen and have a conversation about what happened, children will often become upset again.

Shifting Gears

This is when it is helpful to remember that we can shift gears to help children understand what is actually happening in their brains. Ideally, we find something children can relate to that changes their focus. 

A pet reptile is an excellent option. “So, you remember the gecko we saw at the pet store? If she gets scared, she has a primal response. She has three options if threatened: to fight, freeze, or flee.” From there, we can explain how we all have a very reptilian part of our brain, the amygdala. When we feel threatened, we return to primal responses: fight, freeze, or flee. 

“Flipping Our Lid”

Humans have frontal lobes, which allow us to think more logically and consider other options. Despite having a rational part of our brain, it is easy to do what Daniel Siegel has termed "flipping our lid." 

We can show children a visual representation of our brains with our hands. When we curl our thumb into our palm, it is like the amygdala, a primitive part of our brain that is essential for basic functions. The amygdala is our alarm center and responds from a place of instinct. Then, we can curl our fingers over our thumb to represent the frontal lobes of our brain, which help us with self-control, empathy, and decision-making. 

When we get upset, we can "flip our lid." Our fingers (representing our frontal lobes) fly up and are out of commission, exposing our thumb (representing our amygdala). When this happens, we act from the more reptilian, primal part of our brain.

Getting Curious

When we provide this model for children, they often focus intensely on how our brains function. Yet there is still a challenge: What should we do when we are intensely upset, have a flipped lid, and are in the midst of a challenging moment?

It helps to sit with the question alongside our children and lean into a place of curiosity. What if we had a plan for when we get into these kinds of moments? What if others around us were able to do this, too? What if our communities, our governments, and our countries were able to manage flipped lids? What kind of world would we experience?

When allowed to explore options, our children tend to rise to the occasion. They might use each other for support when they feel overwhelmed by anger or frustration. They might also begin to think more about others’ needs and how to help them feel more included. Our children can move from a place of not knowing to taking initial steps to figure out their own plan of action. While our children won’t have all the answers, we can help them carefully consider how to manage themselves in the face of challenges.