This post goes out to the frustrated parents, caregivers, and educators.

Challenging behavior is an unfortunate part of growing up and parenting.  We know that it’s normal, we know our children need to experience it to grow and learn, but that does not make it any easier in the moment.  If your child attends a Montessori School, or you consider yourself a Montessori minded family, you may ask yourself, “What would Dr. Montessori do?”

There are no perfect answers, and Dr. Montessori would have recognized that what works for one child will not necessarily work for the next.  We can, however, rely on our knowledge of human development and typical child behavior to help guide us.  We hope this post will provide you with some helpful tips.

As Montessorians, we tend to follow a hierarchy when we address issues with children.  We look at:

1. The environment

2. Ourselves

3. The child

The Environment

Environment affects us all, and as adults we can carefully craft an environment that suits the needs of our children. Montessori Guides meticulously create classrooms with a specific order and flow to them, and are continually observing and analyzing what should remain the same and what should change. While impossible to replicate a classroom at home, you can certainly put some of the same principles into practice.

Most of the time, a change in the environment can change the behavior.  Some examples:

●     Does your toddler enjoy dumping the contents of whatever they can find?  While this is a very normal stage for them to go through, it can cause a lot of extra work for us as adults.  Limit their options!  Keep dump-able baskets and boxes up higher where your child cannot reach them and rotate toys/activities on a regular basis to keep their interest going.

●     Have you noticed your three-year-old spilling their snack and frequently leaving crumbs behind?  Provide a small dustpan and brush in a space where the child can access it.  You will likely need to show them how to use it many times, but they will learn!  When they do, the joy they will feel from sweeping will be invaluable.

●     Are mornings with your seven-year-old rushed and chaotic? Make a list and post it where they will see it (perhaps the bathroom mirror). What do you expect the child to do independently in the morning? The list may contain items like brush teeth, get dressed, brush hair, eat breakfast, and so on. Make sure everything they need to get ready is in one centralized space. Have the child prepare as much as they can the night before to ease the pressure when they are tired in the morning. Children can help pack their own lunch and lay out their own clothes.

●     Is your teenager having a hard time focusing on their homework? Create a distraction-free zone. Have a clutter-free desk in a quiet area of the house.  Make sure devices like cell phones are left to charge in a completely different area of the house.

Ourselves

This is perhaps the hardest part for many of us, but sometimes children’s undesirable behavior is tangled up in our own actions and/or perceptions. Some questions you may want to ask yourself and reflect on when you feel frustrated include:

●     Is this behavior truly a problem?

●     Are my expectations appropriate for the child’s age and developmental stage?

●     How might my reactions be contributing to the behavior?

●     Am I well rested/fed/de-stressed/fully able to work with my child without letting my own problems be a factor? 

●     Are my reactions based on my own experiences as a child?

We realize that these can be deep questions. Our jobs as parents are hard enough and there is no need to be judgmental, especially of ourselves, but reflection can be helpful. We also know that it’s not always possible to deal with a child’s behavior while being completely stress-free, well-rested, etc., but it can be helpful to recognize when we might be playing a role in what is going on.

The Child

Sometimes there really is something going on within the child that needs to be addressed, and it can be a simpler explanation than we might expect!  Some possibilities to consider:

●     Is the child getting enough sleep?

●     Is the child hungry?

●     Is the child getting sick?

●     Is the child entering a growth spurt or new developmental phase?

●     Has there been a recent change in the child’s routine?

●     Are there changes occurring in the family?

Sometimes a child might be upset about one area of their life and behaviors manifest in a completely different way. For example, an eight-year-old may be facing friendship challenges at school. Instead of talking about the problem, they may unintentionally take their frustration out on the parents. This is a common occurrence when a child has not fully understood why they are upset, are unable to articulate their feelings, and yet feel safe to be themselves fully at home.  Of course, we must set expectations that our children are kind to others (including family) but having this insight may help get to the root of many issues.

Regularly talking to our children, especially as they get older, can be very helpful in supporting  them as they navigate through the common and sometimes painful experiences of growing up.  Many families find that bedtime tends to be when their children speak freely about what’s bothering them. Even as your child gets older, set aside time in the evening to be together.  This can be time together reading, cuddling, or talking about the day. 

Final thoughts

Two last bits of advice that are perhaps the most important: do not expect perfection and find yourself a supportive group of parents to talk to.

Children will not always be perfect, and neither will adults. Children will push boundaries and make mistakes - lots of them - and as parents we won’t always know the best way to handle things. We will learn together.

Having a group of parents that you can vent to and celebrate with is so helpful. Whether you meet up for coffee, chat on the phone, trade tips on Facebook, or sit on the sidelines together at soccer games, remember to reach out to others.  We are all in this together.