Looking Deeper: Understanding Needs Behind Behaviors

Parenting is a big job! We tend to focus on children's behaviors when we think about how things are going. Yet reflecting upon ourselves and our actions can also be a helpful first step. Understanding behavior through needs and mistaken goals is also beneficial. Start with self-acceptance and empathy.

First Look at Needs

Psychiatrist Rudolf Dreikurs has explored how human behavior has a purpose. Sometimes, we are aware of the purpose, and sometimes it is unconscious. Through his work with children, Dreikurs described how to understand behavior by first acknowledging the needs a person is trying to fulfill.

At the most basic level, we all need food, sleep, love, and protection. Indeed, if children (or adults) are starting to act out in some way, the first question to ask is if they are hungry, tired, or not feeling well. Once those basic needs are met, we can consider what else might be at play. 

Our human need for belonging, connection, or significance is strong. If we don’t feel loved or accepted, we may do something (often unconsciously) to get affection or attention, lash out to get even with whoever doesn't seem to notice these needs, or perhaps even retreat into a discouraged mode.

Understand Mistaken Goals

Dreikurs identified how many behaviors stem from four mistaken goals: the desire for attention, the need for power, the hunger for revenge, and the assumption of inadequacy. If our goal is attention, the coded message behind the behavior is "notice me" or "involve me usefully." If we need power, our behavior conveys that we need meaningful ways to contribute. If we try to get revenge, we communicate that we are hurting or need our feelings validated. When we assume inadequacy by giving up or wanting to be left alone, the message behind the behavior is that we need people to believe in us and show small steps toward success.

Although Dreikurs focused on children, the principles apply to us all. When we "act out," what are we trying to communicate to those around us? First, we should check and see if our basic needs are being met. Are we taking time to breathe? Are we eating nourishing food? Are we getting substantial sleep? If we care for our basic needs, we can reflect upon what else might unconsciously be motivating our actions. Do we need someone to notice our efforts? Do we feel powerful in our lives? Are we doing work that matters? Are we holding onto a grudge? Are we discouraged?

Practice Self-Acceptance

Children need the adults in their lives to peer behind their behavior, consider underlying causes, and provide empowering support. As adults, however, we often need to do this for ourselves first. At the heart of the process is self-acceptance. We must love ourselves unconditionally and give ourselves the time and space to attend to our unconscious motivations. 

One of the first acts of loving kindness we can do is take care of ourselves, notice our own needs, and patiently honor our efforts. When we are clear about our own needs, we can more effectively interpret our children’s unmet or unspoken needs. 

Examine the Clues

Once we have given ourselves some grace, we can better pause and notice what might be behind our children’s behavior. If we’ve considered our own unmet needs, we can have more empathy for what might be unconsciously motivating our children. 

A key is observing our emotions when our children act out. The Positive Discipline approach, which is based on Dreikurs’ work, offers a helpful tool called the Mistaken Goal Chart. 

When our children display bothersome or upsetting behavior, we can use this chart to identify three significant clues about what they actually need. 

The first clue is to recognize what emotions our children’s behavior evokes in us. Do we feel annoyed, irritated, angry, challenged, hurt, disappointed, or hopeless and inadequate? 

The next clue is how we react to the behavior. Do we coax? Give in? Fight back? Retaliate? Give up? Try to over-help?

The third clue is how our children respond to our reactions. Do they stop temporarily but then resume the behavior? Does the behavior intensify? Is there retaliation? Or just passivity?

Peel Back the Layers

By using the Mistaken Goal Chart, we can begin to peel back the layers and understand what beliefs may be underlying children’s behaviors. This process also helps us examine how we may contribute to the behavior and what the coded messages mean. Once we understand all of those pieces, we can shift our responses to better empower our children in proactive and helpful ways. 

Rather than falling into unconscious patterns, let’s first consider and acknowledge our own unspoken needs and proactive ways to take care of ourselves. Then, let’s take the same compassionate approach with our children. We all need to feel a sense of belonging, connection, and significance.